After waiting for six years, six months, six weeks exactly for this man whom she had known for the past ten years, Mercy was now a Mrs. The ring was now in her finger as she had envisioned all her life. An emerald ring to be precise, which was her birth stone. Before all this happened, Mercy constantly told me of Chris’ indifference and his negative attitude towards marriage. Despite all this, Mercy loved him and wanted to spend all her life with him. Where else could she go after saying no to all the potential husbands who kept flooding her Face book inboxes and her phone chats with proposals of wanting to marry her? It was either Chris or Chris. No other answer would do.
I always felt that her decision was not the right one. That she pushed Chris into this decision which was not a great idea. The worst thing a woman can ever do is to make a disinterested man marry her. You see, you’ll have the ring but not the man’s heart. He will be out there looking for mistresses to share his secrets with. He will treat you with contempt. He will look at you straight in the face and tell you things like, this is what you wanted and I have given it to you, so now leave me alone’. Or, in case you connived with his mother to make him like you, he will tell you that you are what my mother wanted, so leave me alone.
Her now Mr. Right, Chris was a difficult man in deed. And just as I predicted, the honeymoon lasted for only 6 months. With Chris saying the very things that I have mentioned above. I guess this is why am still single and scanning thoroughly every man who sends a proposal to me to be his wife.
Most men and the society are keen to tell the woman to submit to a man but not keen to train the man to love his wife as Christ did the church. Women are bashed left right and center, being told to leave their dreams to support men who have no interest in them. Reading my favorite author, Chimamanda’s article has made me realize that as a future mother, I have a lot of work to do when it comes to training my son to become a man. Most men don’t even know what marriage entails. Their idea of how to treat a woman emerges from a patriarchal society that sees women as objects of sex, or a baby manufacturing machine, worse, a status in the society that it is the last trophy that a man obtains after accomplishing all.So they never take time to understand what their role is in marriage. And what the purpose of a woman is.
So Mr. Man, do you know what it means to love your wife?
Love is first patient. By definition, being patient mean being able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. That’s a copy pasted definition :). In reality it means having tolerance of a woman’s hormonal imbalance especially when you don’t understand what’s going on in her. The glory of a man is to search a matter out. I believe that’s why God made a woman ‘ complicated’ so that a man will spend his life on knees depending on God to know how to live with his wife. Loving her means that you choose everyday to see her as your object of affection, the apple of your eye. It means that her opinions matter and despite the fact that you are the head, you don’t act like a mean boss and trash her opinions or treat her like she’s a small kid.
It means talking to her, listening even when you feel you should be watching ball. It means speaking life to her. Call her what she is not and she will morph into what you are calling her. It means helping her with the house chores or having someone assist her because not all women love to do house chores. We do it because the society defines us by our ability to do it. We are called wife materials, because we can cook and clean the house not coz of whats in our brains. So we just do it. But we appreciate men who understand that we are not robots. That we get tired. That we need help. It means believing in her and supporting her in her dreams not just making her support yours at the expense of hers. And then clapping your hands when you have arrived and telling the world that you have a great wife who has supported you but is bitter inside. She’s bitter that she has lost herself in pleasing you.
It means that when she is carrying your kid inside her womb, you support her all the way. You take time to go to all the prenatal clinics and all the pregnant mum programs that she feels is important. You brace yourself as a man to walk with her through the entire season. Remember its hard for her as it is to you. So work out how you are going to go through that season. Since you swore that you’ll love her till the end, this part is also included and not edited. And you don’t need a thank you for that because its as much your kid as it is hers.
When the kid is born, its not the wife’s duty alone to take care of the kid. This means that it is not fair for a woman to quit her dream job to raise your kids as a matter of pleasing the society or because you demanded that she does that. I respect stay at home mums with all my heart and i know it takes much grace to do that. But I surely hope that it is from their heart and that they have not been forced. Raise your kids together, wash your kids, feed them, change their diapers instead of sitting on the coach reading your newspaper or worse, watching porn on your phone. Or texting your mistress telling her how you are bored with your wife who is now fat and no longer pretty as you found her. That’s the test of love and you have to pass it if you call your self a man.
The strength of a great man is not in his ability not to cry or his prowess in bed. But in his ability to concentrate all his energy on one woman and living all his life loving her and taking care of her. It takes God to love and have an attitude to do that. What makes love easy is when a man marries a woman that he has interest in. If you marry a woman because she’s fly or because you are lonely you are setting yourself up for a disaster. Its like going to work somewhere you don’t want to be. For those who have been through that, you know how long those days can be. No head of state goes to war without counting his army and knowing whether he has enough forte to fight. Why is it that we go into marriage without looking into our emotional bank and seeing whether we possess the capacity to go till the end? It starts with purpose. Purpose will keep you till the end. Good luck Mr. man.