It takes two to tango…

Today, Njoki Chege was bashed for raising an issue that I feel is of great concern. Maybe it didn’t come out the way it should have but it’s something that I have experienced and something that I have fought all my life not to be subjected to. Maybe if I tell my story you’ll comprehend why I support her on this one.

A couple of years ago, I met a man, very established, and handsome too. Any woman could go gaga because of his looks. I fell madly in love not just for his intelligence but mostly because I always felt safe around him. I always felt like my children will be raised well if they were in his hands and that I will thrive under his care. But things didn’t turn out the way I wanted.

He began the testing me nonsense, checking out, seeing whether I possessed the capacity to hold his name. Being the intelligent woman that I am, I sensed it and would always do the opposite as I felt like I was not trusted. How do you expect me to trust you, if you don’t trust me? I would always feel like I had no say, I had no voice in this whole affair. Like he was some demi god and I was hear expected to worship him and wait for the opportune time when I would be invited in his throne room. It felt like I was doing all to please a man, or like I was in a rat race trying to reach out to some price that was put of reach. And he made me feel that way. Work as hard an an ant to be with him. Like he was some sort of an achievement or a trophy. Like he was the only good man who existed in an abyss of bad boys on earth. Like he was the only fish in the pond and if I missed to be with him my whole life would stop.  I felt like I had to loose everything to be with him and that nothing that I ever did was enough for him despite his constant reassurance that he loved me. That he had never felt anything for a woman like the way he did. Which of course was a lie. Eventually, he left, after I ensured that I failed all his tests to prove whether his love was true but more so, to feel like I too had the power to make decisions about my life.

And this is what Njoki Chege was saying. I hate hearing all the crazy stuff men put women through to prove  whether they are worthy of them. It’s as if they are this perfect masterpiece and women are like slaves, with nothing to do but wait for this prince charming to fall from the stars and come to rescue them from all their misery. Yes, she was wrong in attacking DJ Mo and his wife but I feel that its demeaning to a woman when all a man can gloat over is the one million things he put his wife through before they became the Mrs. Why aren’t there any women bragging about the things they put men through before they said yes? Why aren’t some men open to the notion that a woman too has the power to test them whether they are quality breed to invite them in their lives? You try such on a man and he notices, the next thing he’ll do is pack up and leave because of mistrust.

The worst thing about this whole affair is that the society applauds it. Women too, for fear of being regarded as not being wife material,undergo such dehumanizing experiences in the name of being wives. One time, I saw a man force a woman to kneel down and wipe his shoes to prove that she was submissive and a wife material. And the woman, for fear of being told that she was a rebel and wouldn’t be married, bowed down and wiped the shoes..Aki yao..cheeeiiii..I almost screamt out. Not because I don’t believe that women should do these things, but it should be out of love and respect not fear and massaging a man’s ego. I almost beat the woman with a cane for conforming to such foolishness. What’s the use sometimes to these things? Of course there is need for people to be tested to be sure, but it should be on both ends. Men too should prove themselves worthy of the title husbands in as much as they make women be worthy of the title wife. they should prove that they are great providers, great fathers, able to be there not just physically but also emotionally. That they are great in providing spiritual nourishment to their families. That they can support a woman in as much as it is always expected for a woman to leave all they have to follow a man. A woman too has a life, had a life before getting married, and that life will always continue with or without the man. This is one thing that I feel should be noted and above all respected.

So to those who are throwing stones at Njoki Chege, think deeply at her words. It is not a privilege for a woman to be married to a man because a woman’s life is not contained in the context of marriage alone. It is a privilege for a man to find a good woman. In fact, the Bible adds on to this by stating that he who finds a wife find a good thing and gets favor from God. A woman carries the favor of a man and it is a privilege for a man to be chosen by a woman and not the other way round. Hence, a man should feel honored that a good woman-and in this case am not talking about character but suitability of a woman to a man’s purpose-has actually found it worthy to bear his children, and his name. But to be fair, let me say that each should feel worthy and appreciate the presence of the other in their lives. So shall we allow the tables to turn in favor of women this time round?

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