The emptiness of being the missing rib

There is this notion going on that in my opinion, shouldn’t, or at least if it’s a must that it be so, let there be balance as far as women are concerned. The views expressed in this post today are solely my views, based on experience and interaction with many wives forced to be prisoners in their own homes, trapped in the one thing that the society has confined them to find joy in: their marriage.

I recently wrote a story of a woman, very intelligent woman,  a medic in particular who had to quit being a doctor simply because his husband was uncomfortable with her being one. The consequences of this action led to the husband increasing his ‘love towards the woman and the woman feeling that she had socially fulfilled her responsibility as a wife and inwardly dying because her childhood dream and all her sacrifices had been laid at the altar of pleasing people.

Another woman laid down her career as the CEO of a prestigious bank, to be a stay a home mum and take care of his husband and kids. While it was fulfilling to her, I guess, her husband was as busy as a bee somewhere looking for young college girls to romp around with.

And the list goes on and on of many intelligent women, people who would have transformed our country sectors, pushed our economy further all wasting their brains at home taking care of something that will eventually leave their lives. Husbands are not permanent. Children aren’t either. They will one day die, or leave your house and then you’ll soon discover that all this things should have flowed concurrently with your life, your dream, your goals because by the end of the day, you are a person not defined by who you are married to or the kids that you have raised. In fact the sad part is raising kids who end up not appreciating you, or even calling you, voluntarily sending money to you to appreciate the sacrifice that you made to raise them up. You know what am saying because you are guilty too of doing this to your parents. Keep your head low so that we don’t know that it’s you we are talking about. LOL.

Just as Chimamanda said, in her talk on the other side of the story, this is my balanced version of this notion, my perspective, how I think things should be. While am not downgrading the efforts that many women have made to keep their families stable, I want to shake that notion a little bit and ask a few questions both to the men and women. To the men, the woman is your helpmate, not the house help even though much of the house management is under her docket as the wife, but what have you done to improve the life of your wife? And am not just talking about taking her to some expensive shop to buy her shoes and whatever, am talking about her dreams, her visions, by the way do you know what she wants to do with her life?Or you are just comfortable carrying her around like a handbag, bragging to your friends at how good you are in scoring goals. NKT. Think of the investment that she has made to be where she is, what her parents have sacrificed just for her to be someone in the society. And you want her life to stop simply because you are insecure or you have this stupid belief that she is a woman and should be in the house? Your wife, is your glory. An intelligent woman=intelligent kids. Even the proverbs 31 woman, as some of you would argue, was running an international business, her own business, has house helps, and she has her own money to buy her own land. I call her typical Alpha A woman. I haven’t seen anywhere in that verse where her husband told her to quit doing her stuff and start taking care of his business. I believe it’s a lie of the enemy. What will happen when you die and she has to start her life all over again? How will she start it? Because, you my dear, are not god, you are not immortal.

Staying at home makes your head damn. Makes you behave like those children that you are raising. You start being a nag because all you ever see is that house and the man who is busy making his life happen and your life which is stuck like a rat trapped in a cage. The saddest thing that I have witnessed is seeing a great man who has not built his wife. Like this once, I met a whole university professor, while his wife was a saloonist who never knew basic English but his children were all university graduates. I was super embarrassed for him as we talked because I could see in his eyes at how fast he wanted me out or his wife out so that he could hide this secret. It was so sad. I almost asked her what her ambitions were before she got married and trapped in the prison of raising children and looking after a house. To me, I saw potential in her that if she just had a push from someone she would have been better or smarter.

Many people have asked me severally why am still single, why I keep on striving to improve my life instead of finding a husband, getting children and so on. I do aspire to get married, so don’t get me wrong by what am about to say and label me a feminist or some sort of independent woman. I am a Christian so I firmly believe in the fact that women are helpmates but to the right men, in the right environment, not to any Tom, Dick and Harry wearing kaptulas and crowing like a jogoo wa mashambani. And God forbid that I should find one of these African men who believe that by attaching yourself to their lives, that’s fulfilling destiny. As much as you are one with your wife, you are separate people and it’s not just your goals being fulfilled, try and see how she too can find fulfillment in this grace of life that you share or if you don’t, one day when the children are gone, she’ll leave you and fly away to America and never come back!